Quickly this became one of those times when I got stirred up about having questions and about not having answers. I went for a walk to think, pray, readjust.
The biblical story of Job came to mind. He apparently was in need of correction in the area of questioning God. He lost family, possessions, health...and, in his misery, was shadowed by some aquaintances who spoke volumes about their understanding of things, no doubt adding to his own list of questions. Eventually, God speaks up. While Job might've wished for answers, he instead was delivered a long list of rhetorical questions that, as I see it, could be summarized as, "Why do you think you understand anything, and who are you to expect answers? I'm God, and from the list of details I've laid out, I've given just a glimpse about how amazing I am and how tiny you are." (I wonder how long Job was silent after that. Was he crushed and needed healing? Or did he rebound quickly because he'd just had meaningful direct communication with God.)
A week ago, I read an article that touched on some of these same thoughts. (I've been meaning to write about it. This current event was a good springboard for me to get on with the writing task.) The article was written by a monk dude from the 16th century, now referred to as "John of the Cross." I had been reading a collection of Christian writings dating from the 4th century to the 20th century. I had just skipped one article because it rubbed me the wrong way due to it totally NOT synching with where I was at in my mental and emotional wrestling. And then I hit this article by John of the Cross. It quickly penetrated me; the author touched on where I was at or had been at. And rather than get messages of "hang in there, things will get better," I received "answerless" messages more along the line of what Job got.
I searched on the internet for the monk dude's text. In my exploring, I came to learn that that there was a huge text text called Dark Night of the Soul by John of the Cross. The original, in 16th century English, is basically unreadable for my brain. Aha--the nice version that I had first come across was some kind soul's Reader's Digest-like distillation of some gems from the bigger volume. Ah, so nice that someone rewrote it for today's audience to absorb. (If you are interested, here is a copy of that rewrite.
I watched a show on TV about two people challenged to take dogs from the pound and turn them into highly effective working dogs. They were pretty successful. I thought to myself, "Maybe that's what I need: a God-designed job that will give me the chance to pass on what I know, or something like that."
"They become content with their growth. They would prefer to teach rather than to be taught... The devil knows that all of their works and virtues will become valueless and, if unchecked, will become vices. For they begin to do these spiritual exercises to be esteemed by others. They want others to realize how spiritual they are. They will also begin to fear confession to another for it would ruin their image. So they soften their sins when they make confession in order to make them appear less imperfect."
I screw up. I make mistakes. I do wrong things. I annoy people. If only God would flip some switches so I weren't so annoying and didn't have so many faults. It would be so much better for others if I were a great person.
"They will beg God to take away their imperfections. but they do this only because they want to find inner peace and not for God?s sake. They do not realize that if God were to take away their imperfections from them, they would probably become prouder and more presumptuous still."
I can swing from the apathetic end of the spectrum to the end of stressing to do better. "Something's got to work!"
"They will become discontented with what God gives them because they do not experience the consolation they think they deserve. They begin reading many books and performing many acts of piety in an attempt to gain more and more spiritual consolation."
I'll carry my discontent into church... the music's too loud; it's too repetitive; people in the audience aren't responding; people are a little too enthusiastic; "it must not be the right music."
"Their hearts grow attached to the feelings they get from their devotional life. They focus on the affect, and not on the substance of devotion. Quite often these souls will attach themselves to particular religious objects or holy places and begin to value visible things too highly."
How long will this drag on? What am I missing? Why am I apparently so dull as to not finish whatever lesson I should've finished long ago?
"There are some who become angry with themselves at this point, thinking that their loss of joy is a result of something they have done or have neglected to do. They will strive to become saints in a day. They will make all kinds of resolutions to be more spiritual, but the greater the resolution, the greater is the fall. Their problem is that they lack the patience that waits for whatever God would give them and when God chooses to give them.
They are not walking in true obedience, but rather, are doing what they want in the time and measure that they have chosen. They do these things not for God but for themselves, and for this reason they will soon grow weary in them."
And what about my skill in piano playing? Sometimes I am asked when I will play piano again in church. Yeah, I say to myself, why aren't I playing anymore? Why did the invitations stop? If only they'd let me play, we'd see a decrease in the negatives now experienced with the church's music. My talent is going to waste! What good is that??
"Their chief concern is to be praised themselves. They are not pleased that such attention is being given to someone else and would prefer to be thought of as the most spiritual of all. This is contrary to love, which, as Paul says, rejoices in goodness.
Spiritual sloth happens when the pleasure is removed from the spiritual life. Such souls become weary with spiritual exercises because they do not yield any consolation, and thus, they abandon them. They become angry because they are called to do that which does not fit their needs. They begin to lose interest in God for they measure God by themselves and not themselves by God. Such souls are too weak to bear the crosses that are given to us to help us grow."
Papa Father, you've caught me. I'm laid bare. Thanks for leading me also to the article by David Kyle Foster where he faced his own self-focused attitudes:
"Finally, in the silence one evening, God spoke clearly to me that He was teaching me to believe in His love, acceptance and protection even when I could not feel the spiritual feelings that had previously been my confirmation of those things.
"So I made an attempt to embrace that lesson and, once learned, return to the intimate exchange of feeling and emotion that had previously existed in such awesome sweetness.
"It did not come.
"Then I got angry. Why are you playing such games with me God? Do you get your kicks from holding back such a priceless thing as intimacy from me to tease me? It makes me feel like a dumb ass who continually falls for the carrot on a stick trick. It makes me feel so controlled, so dependent, so much like the creature that, well, I guess I am. It was an anger born from the realization that I was not the God of the universe and that I could not command answers or action from God as though I were. It was the unveiling of yet another level of pride.
"How can I worship when there is no response? How can I pray or read Scripture when there's no evidence of your presence or that you even care?
"I realized that the arrested devotional life that I had been experiencing had been partially related to a world-view that viewed self as the focus of intimacy with God. Thus, without tangible affirmation by God that He was participating in our relationship, I adopted the tragic figure of abandoned one, freezing in place and stamping my feet in protest. I did not go out and sin in protest, because I wanted God to be the guilty party in this crisis!
"'We should not judge the value of our meditation by how we feel.' God is never closer than when He seems the most absent. We must believe that. We must move forward in serving Him, in declaring His praise, in telling our stories of His love and grace whether we receive immediate tangible reward or not. Why? Because He is worthy.
"Dark night or party time, decide now that you are going to stand firm in the truth. feast or famine, hell or high water, Jesus Christ remains the way, the truth and the life. He is all that matters. His calling, His life, His healing power, His riches in glory, His love and grace are yours now and forevermore!"
Papa Father, may my soul remain quieted. May I remember that I'm talking to the God of the universe and simply delight in your love for me, even if this worlds' stressors and the annoyances of this earth suit of mine never cut me a break.
"God must take away the consolation to purify the soul from these imperfections. Those who are moving in God's way will counter this pride with humility. They will learn to think very little of themselves and their religious works. Instead, they will focus on how great and how deserving God is and how little it is that they can do for him. A soul will never grow until it is able to let go of the tight grasp it has on God. They must learn spiritual meekness which will come about in the dark night.
"Let it suffice to say, then, that God perceives the imperfections within us, and because of his love for us, urges us to grow up. His love is not content to leave us in our weakness, and for this reason he takes us into a dark night. He weans us from all of the pleasures by giving us dry times and inward darkness.
In doing so he is able to take away all these vices and create virtues within us. Through the dark night pride becomes humility, greed becomes simplicity, wrath becomes contentment, luxury becomes peace, gluttony becomes moderation, envy becomes joy, and sloth becomes strength. No soul will ever grow deep in the spiritual life unless God works passively in that soul by means of the dark night.
Thanks for loving me.
Your Papa would have loved reading this. I did. Thanks for letting me see into your heart this way. Yes, God loves you. And so do I.
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